Summary

Today it has been two weeks since Helen died. It has given me a lot of time to reflect, and consolidate many of the thoughts that I have had in my head for a long time.

"Don't be sad for what you lost, be happy for what you had."
It is so true. I shouldn't grieve that I have lost Helen, I should be happy that I was given four years with her.

Because I worked from home, and that almost all these four years Helen was either pregnant, ill or both, this meant that we spent almost every wake hour together for this time, and we got to know each other in such an amazing way. I still now and then cast a glance to her spot on the sofa and listen for all the little remarks she used to make about the programs on TV.

She had a beautiful personality, such a strong spirit and a great sense of humor. Now she no longer feels any pain, and whereever she is she gets to play with our boys who went ahead of her.

Helens seizure on the 11th August came just a few days after the 4th anniversary of us meeting for the first time in person (9th August 2007, Helen kept her RailPass as a memory :). Of those four years Helen suffered from cancer for more than half.
And it is amazing to imagine that in those four years we had two pregnancies, two children dying, a wedding, two brain surgeries and countless scans and cancer treatments. We lived in 6 different flats (for six months in one that was only 8 square meters) and moved between continents twice, and bought a car.
When one contemplates that so many highs and lows can fit into such a relatively short period, then one can imagine the possibilities life has.
And I have many years left to live hopefully, and might very well get to experience both higher highs and lower lows.

Many people are wondering what I am going to do now.

There is an animated movie called 'Up'. In the beginning of the movie this young couple meet, they get married, they buy a house, they have a child that doesn't live, and they grow old and she becomes ill. After she dies he sits alone and looks through their book of memories and discovers that she at the end has written:
"Thanks for the adventure - now go have a new one!" Watch clip on youtube

This is what Helen would want me to do and that is what I will do - once I decide what it is I want to do (and perhaps find someone to do it with). For the moment I am thinking that my first step will probably be to move back to London. (So if any of my old colleagues in London read this and knows of any open role, let me know. Either way we'll have drinks when I come to London.)

I want to thank everyone who have sent me supporting messages, you should know that every message means a lot to me.
It was invaluable to have Helen's mother and sister here during that last difficult time, when she was slipping away, and that we got to hold her and tell her that we love her in the very moment that she died.

I am going to compile a small book about Helen, so anyone who hasn't already, if you have any memories, anecdotes, or just words about Helen that you want to share, you can send them to wordsformelly@hotmail.co.uk.
If you want to share your words just with me, just tell me so, and I won't put them in the book.

And if you can afford it, donate some money to cancer research.