For Carl

Everything in life can change so quickly. 5 weeks and 6 days can seem a short time, but it can also feel like a life time.

Here in South Africa I don't use my mobile phone very much, most of the people I talk to are in Europe, so we use email or chats or Skype. I often don't even carry my mobile with me.
But when we came to Johannesburg with Carl, and gave our mobile numbers to the hospital so that they could contact us if something happened, I started to put my phone on the bedside table next to our bed when I went to sleep, just so that I wouldn't miss a call from them.
They called from the hospital a few times, always in the daytime, always starting the call with "your son is doing fine", and then asking us for consent to do one thing or the other.
And every morning I woke up, happy that I had woken up by myself and not by the phone.

But then one morning the phone _did_ wake me up. And the call didn't start with "your son is doing fine", instead the nurse said: "your son is not doing well, you need to come to the hospital".

Now, when I am going somewhere, I still automatically reach for my phone, thinking "I have to be available in case they try to reach us", and then it hits me that there will be no more important phone call, the worst phone call of them all has already been made, it woke me up from my sleep and it shattered my dream, in every possible way.

When we arrived at the hospital you had just died. We got to hold you for a precious hour, your body was still warm but very bruised, and your eyes were closed, those same eyes that had been peering at me so eagerly the day before. How difficult it was to take farewell of you and leave you in that room.

I loved you so much Carl, and I miss you.
There was a short time when you were recovering and they took you off the ventilator, and we for the first time could hear you cry, a small weak cry from untested vocal chords.

I would sacrifice anything, absolutely anything, if I could hear you cry like that again, anytime, night or day.

Did you cry a lot that last night, when they were trying to save your life? I hope that you had images of me and Mummy and our voices in your head, and maybe memories of the songs I sang to you in the hospital; that you knew how much we and everybody else loved you; and that perhaps it soothed you in your last moments.

Your life was short and difficult and full of pain.
Now you don't feel any pain anymore, and whereever you are, I hope you are playing nicely with your brother.

Pappa

The worst news

Carl didn’t make it, his infection came back this morning and it all went very fast.

He was improving a lot, he was doing so well yesterday, I was holding him in my arms, and he was looking at me with wide open eyes. But he couldn’t fight it all.

I don't have more words to write right now.

Finally some good news!!!

Yes!
Over the last 48 hours Carl seems to have recovered from the NEC infection that he has been suffering from for 10 days. For two days last week the doctors told us he was "touch and go".

His platelets are still low, and the doctors say that "things can change very fast for someone this small".

The swelling has gone down and they have reduced most of the medicines. They have also removed the breathing machine, so now he is breathing on his own, which also at last enables him to cry.

Who knew it would feel so great to hear one's own child crying?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NPkU8X6Otk

Rollercoaster Ride

Last Wednesday we arrived here in Johannesburg with Carl. The doctors here at the specialist hospital considered Carl's heart problem to be less critical than the doctors in Durban thought.

So here we were initially told that they could possibly wait 5 months before operating on Carl. Then after a few days of observation they thought that he wasn't doing that well and meant that surgery should be done when he reaches 6 kilo in weight, this later fell to 3 kilos and on Monday, two days ago, the meaning was that when he gets to 2.5 kilo they need to do the surgery, which should then be in about 3 weeks, and they have been feeding him high-calorie food, so that he would gain in weight faster.

But yesterday morning, Tuesday, he was suddenly struck by an infection in his bowels, NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis) which happens to some premature babies. This infection is difficult to treat, and even more so for Carl, with his heart condition, and now with his low blood pressure. And Helen was ill, so I had to go and sit with him alone all day.

This morning we went there together, and he looked a bit better, but his blood pressure was very low. And the paediatrician told us that in this situation they lose as many babies as they save, and that he can get worse very fast, within hours.

We went there again this evening, and he was looking a lot better, better colour, much better values, blood saturation, blood pressure, etc. So that gave us some comfort, even if he is not even close to safe. If he survives this infection, then he will face the heart surgery, which is another big risk.
But soon he has had everything that he can get, if he wants to spring anymore surprise on us, I guess it will have to be swine flu :)