We are taking turns, me and Helens family, to stay with her in her room at the hospital every night, so that there is always someone by her side, and tonight it is my turn and I am writing this as I am sitting next to Helen.
This morning Helen was extremely drowsy, she perked up a little bit later, but has been extra tired all day. Now in the evening her mind has been running away with her and she has been telling me long, fantastic tales about all kinds of things, and she is herself totally convinced that they are all true.
Helens short-term memory is very damaged, she rarely remember anything more than a few minutes, be it a phone call, a meal or a conversation.
She is also most of the time very confused, rambling, almost deliriously, taking isolated words from recent conversations and spinning wild stories around them.
Parts of her long-term memory is still ok, but mostly memories that are older than 5-10 years.
The confusion comes and goes in waves. Perhaps deep, deep inside she is aware of her situation, but in the confused conversations we mostly have she doesn't show any signs of it.
As much as it hurts me to say it, but if a sane Helen from a month back would view this scene in the hospital room tonight, she would say:
"Enough is enough. It has been three weeks since my epilepsy seizure, you have had plenty of time to say goodbye, now give me that suicide pill."
Sometimes when I am alone with Helen and she calms down we can have "normal" conversations, when she is almost clear-minded.
I have had a couple of these conversations with her over the last week and we have touched on the subject of her death.
She says the most wonderful things, like "Here in life we walk next to each other for some time, and sometimes we simply don't get a lot of time." and "We have had some very good times together and some very bad times together, I think I have lived a lot in my 33 years." Helen told me that I must find someone new to love and that "she must bring chocolate into your life" :)
She says that she has understood for some time that the treatments haven't been working and that she is very tired of them, and she is looking forward to getting rest.
For me it has been extremely calming to have these conversations, to realise how at peace Helen is with dying.
The hospital is discharging Helen tomorrow and she will be coming home to our flat to spend her last time there.
They have put a proper hospital bed in our flat, a new wheelchair and lots of various other aids to help care for her.
They have also removed a basin and the tub from the bathroom, so it will be possible to access with the wheelchair.
And there is a home-care service that will come a couple of times per day to help with basic needs, and a nurse that will come to administer medicine.
And we get a special alarm we can use to call for help in emergencies.
So me and Helens mum can spend our time looking after Helen and serve her all the treats she asks for :)
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4 comments:
Dan - I've read over your beautiful post a number of times. I can tell that you and Helen are finding some comfort in the fact that she is, deep inside, accepting of what is happening and that she is tired of this cancer and this fight.
I hope that when she does leave her body behind that she will be immediately reunited with her two beautiful sons and spend an eternity holding them close - laughing and playing together. I know that will be better than chocolate to her.
And for you, yes, I'm sure you need some chocolate too. I hope the move home goes well today and that you continue to find some peace.
Much love to all of you from us.
Pamela
Oh Dan - as I said before - how much can one weep? And yet, reading your words, I find immense comfort in the conversations you mention you've had with her. Mels would talk about all these things when she stayed with us here, and I'm so glad she is still at times so close to the core of herself with you. She is so clear-headed and unsentimental, and I am so very thankful she's had time with the love of her life - falling pregnant, giving birth - however fleeting the joy. This is what she wanted all her life and you have given it to her. She loves you so much and you will have more of these conversations with her. I am amazed at the perspicacity of some of the comments she shared with you all.
Thinking so much of you all. Hugs and kisses - always.
Dan- Kristen, a mutual friend of mine and Helen's shared these words with me tonight:
I cry so many sad tears when I read Dan's blog. So so unfair. My first hope would be for that miracle in his Hey God post. Barring that, I hope Helen passes peacefully and (please please let it be so!) gets to hold her boys close in her arms. I hope their spirits welcome her and surround her with light and warmth. Then, I hope Dan is able to heal, move on someday, and eventually build a strong, loving family.
Is that really too much to ask for?
Dear Dan and Helen. We were all so happy for you when we were told that you two had found each other. So began a happy period - folowed by one sorrow after another. It was like a never ending story.We - who only could be watchers felled so strongly for you. It was so nice to have you here in our house in the forest of Småland at Midsummer and Christhmas.. I,ve red your thoughts about life. I felled the same way when my mother left us .
She had cancer in her lungs and was 50 years old. My father was alone with four children.
I thought at first that a wonder may happen – but it didn´t. Than I called for God. Where are you?
What have I and our in the family done to you to deserve this ordeal.? I couldn,t understand that people were laughing,birds singing and winds saughing as if nothing had happened. Life is sometimes a cruel thing.
What ever happens and we all know what. So remember one important thing. We are always here for you. Wherever in the world you choose to settle down. We also feel a strong band to Helen´s family although we haven´t met them yet. I wish I could like fairy - tale wave with the magic stick – but I can´t. I feel us helpless us you do. Sometimes we feel so ”small”.
Kalle and Ia at Gäddeviksås in Sweden.
Ps I don,t feel for correcting the gramar and spelling. I just wrote it done from my heart.
Kalle.
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